By Ndu Oriji
One of my new year’s resolution was to nurture a healthy relationship. I want to get married and I have to do it right; haven turned down lots of marriage proposals and being disappointed down side I became more hard core about the man I want to marry. My “ideal man” should be dark, tall and handsome with a great sense of style, mature and unquestionably rich. What? If we had to get down to it, I sure have the right to dream big right? Besides I have lots of male friends who fits this category so it should be easy, but reality catches up with me faster than I can even imagine, first off, the kind of men I am attracted to have the kind of females they are attracted to so being friends with those guys is not enough to have a relationship with them. Arrrggghh frustrating, finding a man shouldn’t be that difficult right?
Fast ward to February 1, I attended a master class on setting and achieving goals by Richard Chilee, weeks after I went back to study the notes I got from the seminar, and decided to incorporate the ideas in my plan to nurture a healthy relationship, elementally Marriage is Business so why not.
First I asked myself the strategy questions we had from the lecture.
What are my marital goals?
Why are these goals important to me?
What would happen if I married my ideal spouse?
What would happen if I did not marry my ideal spouse?
To give meaningful answer to the above questions I had to ask the more important questions;
Who am I? By a personal evaluation and definition of myself I should know whom to marry.
What do I believe in?
Am I a career person or a business person?
What is my life’s purpose and how do I envision my partner fitting into that vision?
How much alone time do I need, how much absence can I get used to?
Am I afraid of being smothered?
What do I consider cheating, how much is tolerable?
Why is my marriage important to me and how much sacrifices are my willing to make?
What are my sexual desires?
Asking these questions guides you into holding yourself culpable with a high sense of personal leadership.
Studying the SMART analysis for setting goals, opened me up to the idea of prioritising the objective of my relationships:
- Specific: I became definitive of the man I want to marry, who is my ideal man, what brand image do I have and what should be the brand identity of the man I want to marry?
- Measurable: what values determines my ideal man, where can I find my ideal man. Let me digress a bit, have you ever wondered why choosing a partner on dating sites and social media resonates with some of us? It is because social media has presented us a fictional soulmate character that projects unrealistic perfection. Now we are more concerned about how well one can makeup and how much likes per picture, you start dating two weeks later it’s over. Your relationship will not work on shallow attractions. It will scourge you everytime.
Connect with who you really need, the values of who you want to marry should be determined by you alone.
Relevant and Realistic: your partner should be relevant to who you are and must be rooted in your reality. Society constantly mirrors a magnified need for a flashy high class spouse, the question is are you high class? Do you have what it takes to maintain the high class life? Is your ideal spouse within your sphere of control? otherwise you will keep floating.
Mission: your ideal spouse should who be who they are in reality and not your thoughts about their characteristics.
Time bound: Make long and short term plans about your marriage, what should happen within a year, in the next ten years and the years after. This creates a sense of urgency and commitment.
Having done the above, I want to meet my ideal partner using the 5Ws and 1H.
Why? why should it be him, why shouldn’t it be him? these questions gives you a sense of direction.
Where? If you want to find a high flying male or female you shouldn’t be at the club and bar all the time, if I want a uniformed man, there is the barracks I should know how they live, their likes and dislikes etc it keeps you in reality.
When? Be conscious of the timing in which you set these goals, make plans and develop yourself at every point, it prepares you to meet your marital goals.
Who? Who are the people you need to help you achieve these marital goals, who are the people successful in the kind of marriage you want.
Not everyone is your friend so keep away from people who are not beneficial to your marriage.
What? what purpose are you serving your spouse, what purpose does your union serve what do you mean to each other?
How? How committed are you to finding the right person, how do you hope to make your spouse your dream come true?
How do you go about building a lasting loving relationship in a society that celebrates falsehood more than it appreciates the truth.
Setting a marital goal is not a drawing board for over shooting your fantasies, the idea is to bring you to the reality of whom you are and who you need to marry. It breaks down the walls of running after packages and open up content and character to you with zero unrealistic expectations.
The “WHO” idea of setting a marital goal is for you to find a partner that reflects you. You want an alpha spouse? Then be an alpha person. You think you are an alpha in progress? that is fine, being an alpha means you haven’t lived in the most favorable conditions but you are able to bring out the winner in you by not put yourself down, by being a pro, cultivating the life you enjoy, making steady visible efforts to grow into the individual that your ideal spouse can be attracted to.
1. Article from Richard Chilee Putting 2019 into perspective.
2. Articles by IIi Rivera Walter. Family therapy basics.com
3. Article from apple.news