True Love is Scary

Featured photo credit: Getty Images

By Azugbene Solomon

Falling in love with someone is one of the most beautiful things in the world, but what fairy-tales don’t reveal is that it is S C A R Y!

It’s actually one of the scariest emotions I have ever felt and all it takes is one person to make you feel it.

Just ONE person. The right person. YOUR person.

I believe that we all have a soulmate in this world and fate will lead you to them no matter what. Once you reach each other, nothing can stop you. Every couple has their rough patches but when you find your other half, nothing can come between you. It’s you and them against the world.

Nothing is scary than falling in love. You learn to depend on this person more than you can depend on yourself. Your happiness relies on them and vice-versa. You can’t imagine your life without them in it and they become your favorite part of every day. Your best self has it’s arms around them. You’re happiest when you’re with them and the feelings the give you are indescribable. They’re overwhelming.

When you feel yourself beginning to fall for a person, it’s the scariest thing in the world. You want to make sure that they know you love them with every fiber of your being. At the same time, you don’t want to become so obsessed that you scare them away. You don’t want to express how your feeling if it’s not 100% mutual.

Why we are Scared to Fall in Love

1. Why Fear Love?

With all the pop culture shenanigans pushing us to believe that love is the answer to everything in life, we have been victimised. The love songs, the romantic movies, the poems that praise her beauty, the novels that promise you eternal rain, and the changing of seasons. Everyone and everything seem to be playing the fool with our poor hearts. But what you really need to understand is that love besides being an idea, is also a very scary idea. How on earth are you to devote your life to that one person, and then again be an ardent devotee, one who never fails.

2. Being Vulnerable

Letting ourselves fall in true love is an act of letting ourselves go lose. This means we are at our vulnerable best, and all that matters is the feeling of being wanted and the feeling of being safe in each others arms. There is a great amount of trust that we put in our better half, and we completely depend on them. There is the fear of getting hurt and it is believed that the more you care, the more are the possibilities of getting hurt.

3. Past Hurts

We are in the fear of getting hurt and this is because we get reminded of past relationships. We look at our relationship and get scared when there is any sign of a past relationship. We get paranoid and start to over think, and this then leads to doubt in our heart. All this can be really stressful.

4. Sense of Insecurity

There is a constant fear that the love of your life would be with someone else. This fear of insecurity can drive one crazy, and can lead to problems. No one wants to get hurt at the end of it, and there are so many fish in the sea that one cannot possibly be that his or her lover would reamain would be forever their own.

5. Level of Feeling

Often we have seen how the level of feeling differs between a man and a woman. It so happens that when you love someone you tend to keep that person by your side and care for him or her the most, but that level of feeling and intimacy may not be shared by him or her. Therefore, we again get scared regarding the outcome of giving our heart, mind and soul to a person completely.

6. An Impending Doom

Love makes us feel so nice, it makes us feel wonderful. Everything else looks futile and we are at the top of the world when we are in love. It is sheer joy. This also has a flip side. If things do not turn out the way we want it to then we can be in for a real shock. It would be as good as the end of days for us, and it is definitely a horrible feeling. We are scared that things may not turn out all that great in the end.

7. Breaking an Old Connection

When we get into a relationship we tend to break away from our family, this happens in an emotional level and not physical level. We become autonomous individuals who are starting to live our own lives and are working to make our own family, and this could mean detachment from the initial family. It is breaking away from an old identity and creating a new one. But wise individuals would know how to strike a balance.

8. Being Consumed

If your love is true and deep then you would probably have consumed each other emotionally. This fear is one of the most important ones to look out for. At times you may feel so much love that it can amount to craziness and you would then want to set free, you would want to run away and be all by yourself.

9. Scared of Losing

The most common fear is the fear of losing this person whom you have decided to love so dearly. There is every chance that things will change and will not be as great as it once was or now is. Therefore, one thing that every one fears is the fear of losing in love.

10. Scared of being Trapped

Love often makes us feel like we are trapped with this one person, and the only job we have left to do is to love this person. Everything else seems to be null and void, the only ambition we have in life is to be with this person, each day of our lives. This could feel like a trap and could keep you under wraps, never really opening your life up.

Reference
1. Falling In Love Is Scary theodysseyonline.com
2. The Fear of Love m.onlymyhealth.com

Advertisements

Marriage is Business 2

Ndu Oriji/Vice President All Africa Youths Platform

By Ndu Oriji

One of my new year’s resolution was to nurture a healthy relationship. I want to get married and I have to do it right; haven turned down lots of marriage proposals and being disappointed down side I became more hard core about the man I want to marry. My “ideal man” should be dark, tall and handsome with a great sense of style, mature and unquestionably rich. What? If we had to get down to it, I sure have the right to dream big right? Besides I have lots of male friends who fits this category so it should be easy, but reality catches up with me faster than I can even imagine, first off, the kind of men I am attracted to have the kind of females they are attracted to so being friends with those guys is not enough to have a relationship with them. Arrrggghh frustrating, finding a man shouldn’t be that difficult right?

Fast ward to February 1, I attended a master class on setting and achieving goals by Richard Chilee, weeks after I went back to study the notes I got from the seminar, and decided to incorporate the ideas in my plan to nurture a healthy relationship, elementally Marriage is Business so why not.

First I asked myself the strategy questions we had from the lecture.
What are my marital goals?
Why are these goals important to me?
What would happen if I married my ideal spouse?
What would happen if I did not marry my ideal spouse?

To give meaningful answer to the above questions I had to ask the more important questions;

Who am I? By a personal evaluation and definition of myself I should know whom to marry.
What do I believe in?
Am I a career person or a business person?
What is my life’s purpose and how do I envision my partner fitting into that vision?
How much alone time do I need, how much absence can I get used to?
Am I afraid of being smothered?
What do I consider cheating, how much is tolerable?
Why is my marriage important to me and how much sacrifices are my willing to make?
What are my sexual desires?
Asking these questions guides you into holding yourself culpable with a high sense of personal leadership.

Studying the SMART analysis for setting goals, opened me up to the idea of prioritising the objective of my relationships:

  • Specific: I became definitive of the man I want to marry, who is my ideal man, what brand image do I have and what should be the brand identity of the man I want to marry?
  • Measurable: what values determines my ideal man, where can I find my ideal man. Let me digress a bit, have you ever wondered why choosing a partner on dating sites and social media resonates with some of us? It is because social media has presented us a fictional soulmate character that projects unrealistic perfection. Now we are more concerned about how well one can makeup and how much likes per picture, you start dating two weeks later it’s over. Your relationship will not work on shallow attractions. It will scourge you everytime.

Connect with who you really need, the values of who you want to marry should be determined by you alone.
Relevant and Realistic: your partner should be relevant to who you are and must be rooted in your reality. Society constantly mirrors a magnified need for a flashy high class spouse, the question is are you high class? Do you have what it takes to maintain the high class life? Is your ideal spouse within your sphere of control? otherwise you will keep floating.

Mission: your ideal spouse should who be who they are in reality and not your thoughts about their characteristics.

Time bound: Make long and short term plans about your marriage, what should happen within a year, in the next ten years and the years after. This creates a sense of urgency and commitment.

Having done the above, I want to meet my ideal partner using the 5Ws and 1H.

Why? why should it be him, why shouldn’t it be him? these questions gives you a sense of direction.

Where? If you want to find a high flying male or female you shouldn’t be at the club and bar all the time, if I want a uniformed man, there is the barracks I should know how they live, their likes and dislikes etc it keeps you in reality.

When? Be conscious of the timing in which you set these goals, make plans and develop yourself at every point, it prepares you to meet your marital goals.

Who? Who are the people you need to help you achieve these marital goals, who are the people successful in the kind of marriage you want.

Not everyone is your friend so keep away from people who are not beneficial to your marriage.

What? what purpose are you serving your spouse, what purpose does your union serve what do you mean to each other?

How? How committed are you to finding the right person, how do you hope to make your spouse your dream come true?
How do you go about building a lasting loving relationship in a society that celebrates falsehood more than it appreciates the truth.

Conclusion:
Setting a marital goal is not a drawing board for over shooting your fantasies, the idea is to bring you to the reality of whom you are and who you need to marry. It breaks down the walls of running after packages and open up content and character to you with zero unrealistic expectations.

The “WHO” idea of setting a marital goal is for you to find a partner that reflects you. You want an alpha spouse? Then be an alpha person. You think you are an alpha in progress? that is fine, being an alpha means you haven’t lived in the most favorable conditions but you are able to bring out the winner in you by not put yourself down, by being a pro, cultivating the life you enjoy, making steady visible efforts to grow into the individual that your ideal spouse can be attracted to.

References:
1. Article from Richard Chilee Putting 2019 into perspective.

2. Articles by IIi Rivera Walter. Family therapy basics.com

3. Article from apple.news

The Art of Building Relationships You Need to Succeed in Your Career


By Mat Apodaca


The power of building relationships cannot be overstated. While the concept “building relationships” sounds like a fancy business buzzword, there’s really a lot of substance behind it.

Many people do fine going about their business keeping their head down. Sometimes they poke their head out from their cubicle like a prairie dog when there’s free cake to be had but other than that, they do their own thing. They only worry about interacting with the people that they need to on a day to day basis.

Unfortunately, these people are shortchanging their own career. In this article, we will look at the art of building relationships you need to succeed in your career.

Remember, you are the CEO of your own career. How far you go towards achieving the goals you want for yourself in your career is squarely on your shoulders. Utilize the art of building relationships to help power success in your career.

Let’s take a look at why building relationships is so important to your career and how to go about doing it.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

  1. How Building Relationships Helps Your Career
  2. Who to Build Relationships With

Internally At Work
Outside Of Work

3. The Art of Building Relationships
Conclusion

4. More Resources Related to Work Communication

5. How Building Relationships Helps Your Career

Building relationships is often cited as one of the key drivers for building a successful career.

It is absolutely mission critical. Building relationships helps your career in so many ways. When you make an effort to build relationships with your clients, it shows that you actually care about them as customers.

Creating positive and supportive relationships with your fellow coworkers will help you perform your job better. When they see that you are an important member of the team, they will want to work with you and come to look forward to interacting with you.

As you develop meaningful dialogue with your boss and deepen the relationship, he or she will see that they can trust you. They see you as someone who does what they say they are going to do and that builds trust. Building the trust and relationship with your boss can help you immensely in your career.

As we will see in this article shortly, there are some key people you should build relationships outside of work that can be hugely beneficial to you as well. Everywhere you look, you will see the value of creating strong relationships to propel your career.

Who to Build Relationships With

Ideally, you want to build relationships both inside and outside your company. I realize this might sound a bit strange, so let me explain:

The people inside your company can really help with the day to day aspects of your job and career. These include your boss or bosses, your fellow coworkers, and I’m going to include vendors you might work with.

Outside of your company, there are other groups of people you should work to build great relationships with. These include your customers, mentors, and key folks in your industry.

Let’s take a deeper look at these groups:

Internally At Work

Your Boss

This should immediate pop into your mind. It is super important to build a good relationship with your boss or bosses.

Many people have one boss. I’ve worked in several organizations where I really had numerous bosses I had to develop relationships with. In any event, this is a critical relationship to build.

Make sure you have ongoing, open communication with your boss. Stay clear on your objectives and priorities. Know what areas create the biggest impact for your supervisor (and therefore you).

Be aligned on strategic initiatives and how you can help shape and influence that whenever possible. This all becomes possible when you and your boss(es) are on the same page through a good working relationship.

Your Associates

This is pretty much a no brainer as well. You can most likely see the benefit of solid working relationships with those people you interact with at work on a regular basis.

It’s a wonderful thing to know someone you work with has your back and you have theirs as you navigate your career and work product. These is a direct result of creating and building great relationships with your associates.

Keep open dialogue and a create a sense of teamwork and fun whenever possible.

Your Customers

This could really be included in either in or out of work. Some of us work with internal customers, some of us with external customers.

If you are client facing, then you have to be able to build trustful, advisor-like relationships with them. You want them to see you as a great resource in whatever capacity they are paying you or your company. That is your value to them. This comes from creating those trusting and meaningful relationships.

If your customers are inside your company, it’s super important to create great working relationships with them as well. Being in recruiting I have internal customers (hiring managers) and external customers (candidates).

Outside Of Work

Mentors

You can have mentors both inside and outside of work. Best case scenario is to have mentors at both.

I like to stay in touch with my favorite bosses of all time. I continue to get advice and direction from them from time to time. They are from previous jobs so they are really outside of my day to day work.

I also have several mentors who do similar work to what I do, but are more senior and therefore more experienced and have some great wisdom. It takes work to maintain these relationships but it is well worth it.

Key Industry Folks

I work in recruiting. There are people at other companies who oversee huge recruiting machines. I like to have strong relationships with some of these folks that I get along well with. That way we are able to offer up advice to each other from time to time. If I am facing a new challenge, I can pick up the phone and call for some input.

There are also some people I’ve developed relationships with over the years who have expertise in a specific area. They are awesome when I need some advice in their area of expertise. Conversely, I can help them from time to time with my expertise.

Vendor Partners

Not all of us work with vendors in our day to day job responsibilities. If you do, it’s well worth building strong relationships with your most important vendor partners.

Not all vendors are great. The ones that are truly invested in helping your company succeed are worth the time to create meaningful relationships with.

In one fashion or another, we are all a vendor to someone. We all have customers. Recognize who helps you succeed with your customers and treat them accordingly.

The Art of Building Relationships

Building relationships is part science and part art. To be an effective relationship builder, you’ve got to genuinely be interested in others. Here are some strategies that can help you build relationships to help you in your career.

We’ve looked at the key groups of people that you should build relationships with. Now let’s take a look at some specific relationship building strategies and ideas.

1. Be Appreciative

One of the foundations of building relationships is being appreciative of everyone you partner with at work. This includes your clients, your boss or bosses, and your fellow coworkers.

Take the time to say thank and be genuinely appreciative of what they have done for you. It might be in the form of incoming revenue from a client, or could be the tips and guidance your boss provides to you. It might be the report or presentation your fellow associate helped you with that helped you land the new client.

Always be appreciative of how others interact with and help you during the course of business.

2. Spend Your Time Wisely

It’s not uncommon for me to try to run in too many differing directions. When I do this, I am not very effective at any of them. When I focus on the most important items, I am much more effective.

This is suggested with relationships as well. Identify the most meaningful relationships you should create and maintain for both your career and others.

Remember, this isn’t a one-sided deal. You have to be a person that someone wants to invest time in to create a solid relationship. Speaking of which…

3. Give as Much as You Get

This is really true in all relationships and it certainly applies here. You have to be able to provide equal value in the relationship.

Maybe you’re a mentor to someone. To your boss, you provide a great work product and that’s some very good value for your boss. You provide insight and value to your clients and customers — whether they are internal or external.

Make sure you take the time and spend the energy to give as much as you get, if not more.

4. Be Social

Work relationships don’t just get created and developed at work. Many times, this happens outside of the building you work in. It can happen over lunch, coffee, and adult beverage, at the gym, and many other places.

Take the time to invite key folks you want to build relationships to lunch or coffee or whatever works. You don’t always have to talk about work topics. Some of the best working relationships get the foundation built outside of the office without talking about work stuff at all.

5. Get out of Your Comfort Zone

It’s one thing to ask a coworker to lunch to start building a relationship. It’s quite another to pick up the phone and call someone you’ve never met because you think they could be a key relationship.

Force yourself to get out of your comfort zone and develop some relationships with people you don’t know.

I have reached out to quite a few people that recruit for the same kind of people in the same industry as me but work at competitors. Unsurprisingly, most of them have ignored me. With several that haven’t ignored me, we’ve built meaningful, referral type relationships.

6. Help Others Succeed

There is probably no better way at building relationships you need to succeed in your career than helping others succeed. This one thing is so powerful it will win you instant relationships. Think about the last time someone you worked with went out of their way to help you in a critical work moment.

I’ve recently joined a new company. I am working on recruiting someone who I believe will be a huge success at the company I am now at. The person that runs the Western half of the US offered to help me. His exact email words were “Let me know if there is anything I can do. I’m more than happy to do what I can to help land this individual”. You can bet he made an instant fan in me.

Conclusion

The ability to build relationships has the power to help you incredibly in your career. There is no one magic technique that creates these partnerships but rather a variety of methods and approaches.

Through the course of this article, we’ve looked at the art of building relationship you need to succeed in your career. Take what works for you and apply it liberally to give your career a significant lift.

Remember, the success you achieve in your career is entirely up to you. When you put the time and energy into building strong work related relationships, you give yourself a huge career boost.

More Resources Related to Work Communication

Featured photo credit: rawpixel via unsplash.com


This article was first published at Lifehack


Are You In a Verbally Abusive Relationship? (And What to Do About It)


By Carol Morgan


“Shut up!!”“Don’t be so lazy!!”“What’s wrong with you?”

These types of phrases frequently come out of people’s mouths every day. So, is there really anything wrong with saying them? I mean, we have all said some of these things ourselves – or at very least had these thoughts.

But is it verbal abuse?

It depends.

You might think it’s obvious if you’re being a victim of a verbally abusive relationship. It may be to some people, but others may not recognize it.

For example, if you grew up with parents who talked to you (and each other) respectfully, then you will probably be able to spot verbal abuse a mile away. I’m like that. I don’t even like if someone slightly raises their voice to me. I will politely call them out on it and ask them to calm down.

However, if you grew up in a family where there was a lot of yelling, fighting, and screaming, then you might not be able to recognize verbal abuse when you see it.

Why would that be? It’s because that pattern of communication is “normal” to you. It’s your comfort zone. It’s what you grew up with, so it’s all you know.

But just because it’s familiar to you, that doesn’t make it right. Verbal abuse is NEVER justified in any situation.

Let’s start off by looking at some general characteristics of verbal abuse.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

  1. What is a verbal abuse?
  2. Examples of verbal abuse
  3. What you can do if you’re being verbally abused
  4. Final thoughts

What is a verbal abuse?

Verbal abuse can basically be described as any communication event that causes emotional damage to at least one person. If this pattern continues, it has the power to seriously damage the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth. They may even begin to believe that what the abuser says about them is true.

While verbal abuse is always hurtful, it’s not always overt – like angry outbursts. Sometimes it is covert such as making very subtle negative comments here and there.

Above all else, verbal abuse is meant to manipulate and control the victim.

Now that you know the definition of verbal abuse, let’s take a look at some examples so you can recognize it if it happens to you or someone else you know.

Examples of verbal abuse

Verbal abuse comes in many forms, and these are just a few examples.

1. “Teasing” and “joking”

This is one of the more covert tactics used by verbal abusers. It’s meant to confuse the victim.

For example, a man might call his wife his “big butterball” and say it with a smile on his face and a somewhat endearing tone – or perhaps even chuckling. What he’s really saying is that he thinks she’s fat. It’s a criticism disguised as a joke or teasing… but it’s not funny.

2. Trivializing

Let’s say you come home from work and tell the abuser that you had a bad day, and that your boss is being mean to you. They would tell you to get over it or call you a cry baby. They don’t take your feelings into account because they don’t find them important.

3. Diverting

Let’s say that you want to talk to someone about how to improve your relationship.

Normal people would sit and hear you out and respond appropriately. But a verbal abuser will divert the conversation to a topic that they want to talk about – not what you want to talk about. They are avoiding giving you the power to talk about what you want.

4. Judging and criticizing

If someone is always saying what you say or do is wrong, then that’s verbal abuse.

For example, maybe you just cleaned the whole house and you’re proud of yourself. An abuser would come home and find something you missed, like dusting or a spot on the floor. Or perhaps they criticize how you look or how you act. This is meant to tear down your self-esteem so they can control you.

5. Degrading

If you hear things like, “You should be grateful you found me, because you’re unlovable. No one would ever put up with your crap but me!” then that is degrading.

It’s making you think that you are lower than low – and that they are better than you.

6. Accusing

An abuser will accuse others of anything and everything. Maybe they are constantly suspecting you of cheating on them. Or that you told a lie. Or anything else for that matter.

They’re always finding ways to accuse other people of doing things that they might not even have done.

7. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a purposeful tactic that is done to manipulate and brainwash someone into doubting their own sanity. When this occurs over time, it affects their self-identity and perception.

For example, they might say things like, “Why are you making this up?” or “It’s all in your head” or “You never said that.” They make you question yourself so they can gain the power and the upper hand.

8. Name-calling

If you hear someone call you bad names such as “loser,” “lazy,” “sloppy,” or even the “b” or “c” word, then that’s not okay.

Even if someone is lazy, that doesn’t mean you have to call them lazy. Calling someone bad names is NEVER acceptable.

9. Disregards your opinions and ideas

When you share an idea or an opinion, a verbal abuser will just shoot it down and disregard it.

Even if it’s something like “Hey I’d like to go to McDonald’s for lunch because I’ve been craving a Big Mac.” An abuser would tell you all the reasons why you shouldn’t go there and have it. They’ll make your ideas seem ludicrous and make you second-guess yourself.

10. Swearing at you

Sure, most people use swear words. But normal people don’t make a habit out of slewing a ton of profanities your way on a regular basis.

If someone is constantly using swear words with you, especially when combined with anger, then that is verbal abuse.

11. Pointing out your flaws and mistakes constantly

Maybe they say you’re too fat, or too skinny, or too dumb or too… well, anything.

If someone is constantly pointing out what is wrong with you, or what mistakes you have made in your life, then that is verbal abuse.

We all have flaws and have made mistakes, but no one needs to point them out on a regular basis.

12. Threats

Threats can come in all shapes and forms. It could be a threat to harm or hurt you – or even kill you. Or it could be a threat that they might harm or hurt themselves in order to manipulate you.

Threatening some undesirable action is an attempt to guilt, manipulate, and scare you into behaving how they want you to behave.

13. Blaming

An abuser NEVER takes personal responsibility for anything. Instead, he or she places the blame on everyone and anyone other than themselves.

Even when it’s obvious that the abuser did something wrong, they will fight to the death to “prove” someone else it to blame, not themselves.

14. Ordering you around

Abusers need to have total control. Therefore, they typically are bossy and order their victims around.

They might limit how often you leave the house, or how many showers you can take per week. Or even something simple like what they want to have for dinner that night. If they are acting more like a parent to you, then this is verbal abuse.

What you can do if you’re being verbally abused

Your first instinct is probably to get the abuser to reason with you or to calm down. Unfortunately, this rarely works, so eventually you will have to stop trying to reason with them because they are just incapable of rational thought when they are abusing you.

Instead, you need to do the following things:

1. Call them out on their abusive behavior

For example, if they call you a “loser,” you need to respond with something like, “Calling me negative names is not helping this situation, so please stop. Besides I know I’m not a loser, so you can never convince me that I am.”

Here’s another example:

If you’re late getting home because of traffic, they might yell at you and call you names. In a situation like that, you should say, “Stop blaming me for something that I had no control over.”

Calling them out on their bad behavior takes away their power. Suddenly, they know you are on to them and recognize their manipulative tactics.

You see, verbal abusers like easy targets. So, if you just sit there and take the abuse, it will continue.

But if you tell them to stop, they won’t like it and will either have to try to change their behavior or go find someone else that they can verbally abuse – because you will no longer allow it.

2. Remove yourself from the situation

If you can leave, then leave. Go into your bedroom. Go for a drive. Go for a walk.

Just get out of the situation and tell them that you won’t talk to them until they can talk calmly and respectfully to you.

3. Remove yourself from the relationship if at all possible

If all else fails, you might have to do this.

You know it’s time to really let to and move on when you experience these 21 things.

I know that’s not possible with certain relationships (such as a parent/child scenario), but it is with some. Sometimes that’s the only thing left to do. And then get help.

Final thoughts

As Dr. Phil always says:

“We teach people how to treat us.”

In other words, what we allow from other people will continue. If we allow them to treat us with disrespect, they will continue to do so.

But if we only tolerate respectful and peaceful treatment, then you won’t settle for anything less.

It all starts with self-love. You have to love and respect yourself enough to now allow abuse from another person. Here you can learn what to do to love yourself.

So, take a good look in the mirror, and promise yourself that you are better than this. You deserve to be happy.

Featured photo credit: Aliyah Jamous via unsplash.com


This article was first published at Lifehack


14 Ways to Find Good Friends No Matter What Your Age


By Alex Morris


Making good friends as you get older can be difficult. Trying to balance your personal life with work can leave you with limited time to get out and about. Worse still, the longer you leave it the more anxious you become about meeting new people.

Whilst it can be difficult to take that first step back into the world of socializing, once you have made the move you will usually find things fall neatly into place.

To help you kickstart the process, below are 14 possibilities to keep in mind – with some initiative, a smartphone, and a charm offensive, nothing can hold you back.

1. Overcoming nerves

Firstly, I’m aware the below 13 points may seem easy in consideration. But when the time comes to socialize, it’s often a tad more difficult. If you are shy, highly introverted, or out of practice with talking to people, it may even seem like an impossibility.

If you have anxiety, then you can find services such as the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) – it offers tips on how to deal with, and even overcome, some of the symptoms to make socializing easier.

Just remember, many times you will find yourself nervous and anxious before meeting people, but once you’re talking away you will calm down and begin to enjoy the experience.

It’s just about taking that first step and chatting to people, but you can condition yourself to make positive steps simply by following some coping strategies here:
Feel Anxious in Social Situations? Try These Methods

2. Opportunism

Now, to meeting people! The first option is challenging as it depends on your personality type – it will either be too obvious or crushingly difficult.

What are your opportunistic options?

Approach your neighbors, for instance, and get to know them over a coffee or tea. At work, offer to catch up over drinks and get to know your colleagues in a relaxed environment. Attending a party? Get talking to people when you arrive, find someone you have something in common with, and then offer to connect on Facebook. From there you can suggest meeting for drinks.

This one will be nerve-wracking/annoying for the introverts of this world, but an opportunistic streak (even if it’s a cheeky one, such as inviting yourself to after work drinks you heard colleagues discussing) can go a long way.

3. Frequent a local café

Choose a café you like, head there at regular intervals, and practice your charm offensive on the baristas. It can be fun practice for other social occasions, plus you can genuinely get to know people.

Day after day, as the weeks pass, your confidence will grow and you will become a regular – a great way to practice witty conversation with the staff.

Also, it’s a chance to drink some coffee and tea and you can’t grumble at that.

4. Break out of your comfort zone

Break on through the habit of a lifetime – try something you would never normally do. This could be taking up rollerblading or learning a musical instrument – nothing is stopping you from joining a local band.

Volunteer at the local theatre, or take up amateur acting. Out of the randomness can come lifelong friendships, so dare yourself to try something new.

5. Meetup

Meetup helps you find meetups that interest you – it’s as simple as that. It can be difficult to meet new people and think of conversation. Especially if you’re nervous. If there’s an activity to get on with, though, then conversation can be free-flowing.

6. Travel

Heading off on holiday, whether locally or abroad gets you around people – obviously. In this scenario, everyone is in the same situation. You’re in a new location, you don’t know anyone, and it’s an ideal opportunity to get talking to complete strangers.

Wondering where to go?

Lonely Planet is an excellent site to check out for ideas – it has a brilliant blog.

There’s also Atlas Obscura, in case you feel you have done it all from a travel front, which offers endless weirdly wonderful tourist spots from across the world.

And of course, we have plenty of suggestions for you on Lifehack: World’s 10 Best Destinations To Travel Alone

7. Volunteer

All it takes to find a worthy cause is a quick Google search. It may be a local cat shelter needing volunteers to take care of its felines at weekends, supporting the local library, or at a sporting event (motorsport races always need track marshals, for example).

Wherever you volunteer, there will be other volunteers, too, making it a fun way to get to meet new people. It’s also something to add to your CV/résumé.

8. Join (or even start) a book or film club

You can find plenty of these already set up on the likes of Meetup. But if there isn’t one in your local community, then you can start one.

Books or films are an easy choice to get a conversation going, as you’re rarely like to find people who hate films.

Simply ask someone what films they like and you will be off for hours. Ask someone about their favourite author and you will get the same result.

9. Late night classes

If you want to learn something new, and meet a batch of new people whilst you’re at it, then here’s a rewarding option. Have a search on Google for late night classes or adult training courses in your area. You will pretty much immediately meet a group of people with a shared interest.

10. Try meet-friends apps

There’s an app for everything these days, including ones for making good friends no matter the situation you’re in. Peanut , for example, is for your mothers looking to connect – “Meet as Mamas” as the site puts it.

Or there’s Bumble BFF. This is very handy if you have found yourself in a situation where you just don’t know anybody nearby (e.g. if you have moved to a new city).

Huggle is an other: “Discover people who go to the places you go to” reads the slogan. The app filters people based on the locations you go to, what you get up to, and what you’re interested in. From there, you can connect and see where it all leads.

If you’re over 50, there’s Stitch. It’s about companionship, travel, and activities and can connect you with people locally and globally.

11. Join a sports group

Sports, asides from keeping you fit, are usually pretty sociable occasions.

Think of the likes of badminton, tennis, cycling classes, cricket, and various others. Book yourself into local matches at you have got a bit of casual competition on your hands – a great way to get natural conversation flowing.

12. Get a pet

Animals are great companions, which is a major bonus right away if you’re feeling lonely.

Whether you get a cat, dog, fish, hamster, or a pigeon (yes, these make great pets!), there are going to be other people out there who love these sorts of animals as well.

A pet dog is arguably the best option, as you can take it for walks, bond, and head to meetups (such as with the pug one in New York above). It’s an easy conversation starter, as most people can talk for hours about the various quirks of their four-legged friend.

13. Start blogging

A bit of a shift now, as the final two involve sitting behind a computer. But you can find good friends from across the world easily if you start blogging on a platform like WordPress.

With its online community, it won’t be long until you have come across lots of people you have things in common with.

Pick a topic you’re interested in, such as films, music, or food, and people will arrive to look at the content you’re publishing.

14. Online gaming

Video games aren’t for everyone, but if they have piqued your interest then there are plenty that encourage socialising (in digital form).

If you’re suffering from anxiety and unsure about getting out and about in your local city or town, then games can be a fun way of starting the step towards bigger things.

MMORPGs (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) are a great place to start. Titles like World of Warcraft have many millions of players across the world.

Some people have even married after meeting on it! That’s not mandatory of course. But it shows you how well you can get to know people through a mutual passion.

Your age can’t stop you from meeting friends!

No matter how old you are, you can still make friends and bond with others.

To begin with, just keep things simple and avoid unnecessary stresses.

Start a blog, chat to people online, read some of the ADAA guide if you’re nervous, and maybe reconnect with an old friend you have not seen for a while.

After that, you can slowly ramp up your socializing plan to take on bigger opportunities. Ultimately, you’re the boss. You don’t have to meet anyone – downtime in solitude can be great, after all – but if you have experienced a twinge of loneliness on a Friday night, then consider a few of the steps above to make some good friends.


Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com


This article was first published at Lifehack


How to Tell If You Are Fostering Positive Relationships in Life


By Akina Chargualaf


Creating friendships and relationships were much simpler when we were younger. It had more to do with who was in your proximity at that specific time in your life and sharing common experiences.

As we grow older, our paths begin to divert and we adjust to the rhythm which life is moving, and often times we find our relationships changing with it.

A huge part of life is cultivating relationships not only with family and friends, but in all aspects including romantic partners, work colleagues, and even within ourselves. As adults, it gets harder to keep up with our inner circles when we have a family to take care of, a career that’s developing, and living day to day. To foster positive relationships, you must first accept that sometimes certain relationships change, but fostering and maintaining the positive ones is how to achieve more in life.

Here are ways to check and see if you are cultivating positive relationships in all areas of your life by assessing and asking:

1. Assess Your Big Five

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn, once said,

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

Instead of reflecting on just five, take it one step further by reflecting on the five people you spend the most time with in different areas of your life – personal, work, and family.

A great starting point is seeing how present you are in that very moment.

For example, you decide to grab coffee with a long-time friend whom you catch up every couple of months. During the conversation, do you find yourself checking your phone every five minutes or going through a list of things you could be doing instead? If so, it may be time to see how much value you’re getting from this particular relationship.

Some relationships overgrow one another throughout time, and that’s completely normal. As selfish it may sound, your time is just as valuable.

2. Listen to the Way You Converse with Others

Have you ever taken a moment to listen to how you carry conversations with your friends, family, partner, and most importantly – yourself? Sometimes we get caught up in storytelling, that we don’t pay much attention to the language that we’re using or how we’re using it.

  • Are you present and attentive when you’re having dinner with your family?
  • Are you on your phone when you’re having date night with your partner?
  • Do you spend your lunch breaks listening to workplace gossip?

Check-in with how you feel when these conversations are occurring. Part of fostering positive relationships means making sure you feel good when you have them because it’s the experience we feel on a daily basis that shapes our days ahead.

If you notice that you’re surrounded by negativity, try distancing yourself with those or try shifting the conversation towards a different direction. If you’re noticing you are on your phone during family time, dive a little deeper and see what is capturing your attention and why.

Sometimes the answer lies not only where you are at that specific moment, but where your mind is.

3. Listen to How You Converse with Yourself

There are important conversations we have daily, but the most important ones are the conversations we have with ourselves. It may surprise you how we speak to ourselves compared to how we speak to others. Often times we’re harder, more unforgiving, and critical, which can affect the relationships we have with those around us.

Everyone goes through negative self-talk, but it comes down to how loud that voice becomes. There are great consequences that come from negative self-talk that then creates a poor self-image of ourselves. That image also affects our relationships.

  • “I’m not good enough to be with anyone and that’s why I’m single.”
  • “I’m not a decent friend and that why I never get invited anywhere.”
  • “I’m a horrible worker and that is the reason why I never get a promotion.”

Would these be things you tell a friend? Probably not. So why have these conversations with yourself? Your inner vibrations and feelings always flows outwards and is what attracts those to you.

4. Do We Share Core Values?

The older we get, it can get harder to make friends – good friends, too. When we were younger, the common bonding ground stemmed off favorite television shows and school sports. But as we continue to develop careers, have families, and expand our growth both mentally and physically, it may be hard to keep up with our inner circle, let alone ourselves.

It’s not distance that keeps people and relationships apart, but the differences in core values. As humans, we seek mental company over physical company, and this becomes more prominent when we’re older.

Sharing core values go beyond having a friend who shares the common liking of eating at a particular restaurant or taking a spin class once a week together; it’s sharing that core value of wanting to put fitness and health as a priority or enjoying the challenge of committing to an activity.

Keep in mind that not all core values have to overlap. Having different values and ideas also foster positive relationships.

5. Invest in Friendships That Grow Through Life

I have a healthy long-distance friendship with my roommate from college because we make it a point to check-in often. Whether it’s a quick five minutes on Facetime or sending each other a picture that reminded us of that person, checking in even during life’s busiest days help bring bursts of energy throughout the day – especially for long distance relationships from opposite sides of the world.

So much has changed since college, but having that timeless relationship has created a stronger bond without forced catch-up sessions and guilty apologizing for not making enough time. It’s a mutual understanding that time has changed and growing with it rather than resisiting it.

6. Look into How You’re Feeling at Work

Having healthy and positive relationships with work colleagues is always ideal, but we all know this isn’t the case.

First and foremost, ask yourself if you like what you are doing, better yet, if “you’re feeling good at work.”[1] Believe it or not, it all stems down to your emotions and the energy you give off that will either attract your coworkers to you or push them away from you. Would you want to invite Negative Nancy to coffee and listen to her complain about all her customers? Probably not.

Like every other aspect in life, you have to enjoy where you are spending 40 hours of your time and with whom. If you’re feeling good at work, you’ll feel more aligned and in tuned with those around you that lead to healthier relationships.

7. Treat a Relationship Like a Partnership

Your partner has probably seen the worst and the best parts of you – every part of you that makes you human. In all relationships, there are highs and lows. There are moments when the romance may feel fizzled or be caught up in knotted tension, and moments when euphoria takes over and the both of you are unstoppable.

A part of having a positive relationship means having healthy arguments . If you’re able to have a disagreement without yelling and screaming, while taking two steps back to figure out the problem together – then you’re on the right track. Here are some things to keep in mind during a heated argument:

  • Are you still putting your partner first even during disagreements?
  • Are you looking for a solution, rather than a safe way out?
  • Are you able to place your pride aside in the meantime?

Fostering a positive relationship means understanding the situation from the other person’s perspective, while coming up with a solution together.

Final Thoughts

The lessons we learn in our personal and professional lives reflect on how we communicate with others. It helps us grow, understand, and assess the value that we are bringing into all our relationships, and in return add value to those relationships. All it takes is a few moments of checking-in with others as well as yourself.


Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com


This article was first published at Lifehack