The Greatest Advice for Young People

10 Things Every 20-Something Needs to Read Right Now.

Are you on the 20 something scratching your head?
Worrying about problems?

Don’t worry about it.

I’m here to remind you that you will get trough it.Let’s face it: We are groomed from child. We are trained to become something we are not.

There is a lot of pressure when we are at this age.

Are you on the 20 something scratching your head?

Worrying about problems?

Don’t worry about it.

I’m here to remind you that you will get trough it.

Let’s face it: We are groomed from child. We are trained to become something we are not. There is a
lot of pressure when we are at this age.

lot of pressure when we are at this age.

Get a job. Get Married. Graduate. Get a Dog.

1. It is Okay to Feel Lost.

Everything is happening at the same time, and we just want to chill. Right?

— “What am I doing right now?”

 — “Where am I heading right now?”

 — “Why I feel like this right now?”

You feel lost because, just maybe, everything you’ve been preparing to do is coming to fruition.

And you don’t want to do it anymore.

But realize that you don’t have to have everything solved,

you are still young and with a lot of life ahead.

Change for Better. 1% everyday is enough.

2. The World Is Not a Fairy Tails Anymore.

Everything is happening at the same time, and we just want to chill. Right?

— “What am I doing right now?”

 — “Where am I heading right now?”

 — “Why I feel like this right now?”

You feel lost because, just maybe, everything you’ve been preparing to do is coming to fruition.

And you don’t want to do it anymore.

But realize that you don’t have to have everything solved,

you are still young and with a lot of life ahead.

Change for Better. 1% everyday is enough.

2. The World Is Not a Fairy Tails Anymore.

You are starting to see the world as it really is.

You are starting to realize that things are not as they seem to be.

And from your research, you realized that most of what we’ve been told is full of lies, used to fuel the matrix system. The 9–5 work to live system.

But it’s okay to have a change of heart.

To reanalyze things, to get a grasp on the whole situation.

What keeps me grounded is to realize that I’m always learning anyways.

Nobody was around when I started to see the truth about the Planet Earth.

Enlightening is knowing how much you don’t know.

Change is the only constant on the universe.

Get used to it, baby.

3. People Come and Go, The Right Ones Always Stay.

When we are at 21 everything is very confusing.

— “What happened to my friends when I was 4 years old?”

As we evolve, we start to meet new people based on how we see the world. Sometimes we hung around people as we hung clothes in the wardrobe.

And it is okay to let go when they no longer serve our higher interests.

4. Food Experimentation is Very Natural

You might been drinking milk, and then you want to try rice milk, coconut milk, almond milk, hazelnut milk, oat milk. Vegan Cheese. Seitan. Tofu.

Just making experiments with your food.

You are never content, and not ever satisfied with a fixed diet. Eating the same mixed eggs with salt and oregano does not satisfy you anymore.

It is key to pick a food diet that works for you. The best way to do this is experimenting. It takes a lot of time to perfect what your body accept most.

Food is the fuel to our life, and the better we eat, the better we become. You don’t know if you can be a vegan until you try it.

I encourage people to do it.

Try The 7 Day Vegan Challenge and see how it is to live without eating those beautiful little cows for a week. You might even be surprised.

5. No Is A Very Important Word.

When we are at 21, everyone wants to pull us to different directions.

Parents want to pull us this way. Friends want to pull us that way. Girlfriend want to pull us in the opposite way, and we want to pull to here and now.

It’s like a total war out there.

No is a important word. When you have the confidence to say no, it’s okay. You know free yourself from the burden of trying to please everyone.

Learn to say no. You are not letting anybody down if you stay true to yourself.

6. It’s Your Life, not Theirs.

This might seem too simple, but it is very important to understand it.

We are living someone else’s life. We are doing everything our parents want. That is why so many people are screwed up on the planet. Because we are listening to it.

But trust yourself. Listen to your heart. Trust your instincts.

Parents? They have opinions.

Friends? They have opinions.

How you feel is hat matters the most. You have to remind yourself that every single day.

7. Straight and simple: It’s Okay To Fail.

Is not the end of the world to get rejected, to make mistakes, to fail.

There are no failures, only stepping stones to help you become your greatest version. You got to go through many of them to lean how to be successful.

If you dind’t get the grade you wanted — who cares?

You still have time! Even tho The Buda said that “the problem is that people think they have time”.

8. Life Would Be Pretty Boring If You Figured All Out.

Sometimes, what I found is that when you don’t know what is going to happen, it’s more exciting.

You don’t need to know what is going to happen tomorrow.

Let go of worrying about the future. Concentrate on being in the here and know and life will be more fulfilling.

We take care of the future when we learn how to take care of the present moment.

9. Get Information From Alternative Sources.

If you are studying in college or somewhere else, get information elsewhere.

You pay for real education with time and energy, not with money.

Just because you are studying something, doesn’t mean you learn it all. There is so much that they don’t teach us. The good news is that you can learn it right now.

Don’t wait until you are 30 to start learning.

10. Where You Are Right Now Does Not Define Where You’ll Always Be.

Don’t let problems shape you. This does not define you.

You can change it up.

The problems are not you, is just a phase. So push forward and keep in mind that you can have pleasant experiences by learning certain lessons.

Nobody is perfect.

It is okay to be mad, to be angry sometimes.

Everybody you see has messed up.

Everybody has been terrified along their journeys.

Your life isn’t perfect and It wasn’t perfect when you were 5.

A beautiful thing is never perfect.

If you are 20-something, you maybe going trough a crazy identity crisis.

The secret to it is that we are not our identity. We are not who we’ve been told.

We are all united, just inspiring each others.

Have a beautiful day.

Reference

Medium.com, Article by Fernando Aguilar

Want to Truly Make Your Mark on the World? Start by Following These 5 Principles

By Danielle Sacks

C.J. Walker, the daughter of slaves, would not have become the first self-made female millionaire in America had she not traveled around the country training thousands of black women how to apply and sell her hair concoction. Anthropologists would never have had the insights we now know about primates had not a young British woman named Jane Goodall ventured to Africa to develop her own system of communicating with chimpanzees, despite being scoffed at by academics. And Spanx wouldn’t be a staple of millions of women’s wardrobes had Sara Blakely–who sold fax machines door to door at the time–not tried to mass produce a pair of pantyhose she hacked on her way to a party.

These and other iconic stories of fearlessness are chronicled by Jean Case in her new book Be Fearless: 5 Principles for a Life of Breakthroughs and Purpose (Simon & Schuster, 2019). On Saturday, during a lively discussion at the Inc. Founders House in Austin, Case–the chairman of the National Geographic Society and CEO of the Case Foundation, which she started in 1997 with her husband, AOL co-founder Steve Case–discussed why facing fear is critical for anyone looking to make a difference in the world. The Founders House is the inaugural event of Inc.’s Founders Project, an initiative pairing prominent mentors with early-stage entrepreneurs.

The findings revealed in Be Fearless, Case explained, are a result of research her foundation commissioned six years ago to examine the core qualities of change-makers and entrepreneurs. “I’ve traveled to remote villages and big cities, and something you find in all these places is that they have great ideas about how to make the world a better place,” she told interviewer Elizabeth Gore, who runs Alice, an entrepreneur platform in which Case is an investor. “We wondered why some people take those ideas and do something breakthrough, and other people don’t.”

In her remarks, Case outlined the principles entrepreneurs, intrapreneurs, or anyone trying to effect change needs to embrace:

1. Make a big bet

“Don’t aim for incremental change, aim high,” said Case, who joined AOL when only 3 percent of people were online, typically for only one hour a week. “Our goal was to democratize access to ideas and information and communication for everyone.”

2. Be bold, take risks

“It’s impossible to do a breakthrough idea without talking risks,” Case said. “The bottom line is, it never stops.” National Geographic, she explained, is a 131-year-old nonprofit, but “we constantly have to look at where do we go next.” The organization is constantly reinventing itself, she said, pointing to its now 100 million-plus Instagram followers and recent Oscar win for the documentary Free Solo.

3. Make your failures matter

Case revealed that AOL was born out of failure. In its first iteration, she explained, it was a startup that built a brand called AppleLink for Apple. “We weren’t scaling, and Apple called up and said, ‘We want a divorce. We’re ending our partnership,'” she said. “It was an existential moment–a dark, dark moment.” But what emerged from that failure? The small team managed to get a $3 million “divorce settlement” from Apple, which they then used to start building AOL into what it would eventually become.

4. Reach beyond your bubble

“I think we get caught up in a myth in America. We’re enthralled with the idea of the lone genius in the garage,” Case said. “But the fact of the matter is that that’s not how stuff has broken through. It’s broken through with teams.” She pointed to the early days of the tech industry when talent was dispersed around the country, and collaboration between people from all walks of life was necessary. She encouraged new tech founders to return to those roots. “Reaching beyond your bubble means diverse teams break through,” she said. “People with different backgrounds and skill sets. If you’re looking at an opportunity or challenge and you have five ways to look at it versus one, you’ll see each other’s blind spots.”

5. Let urgency conquer fear

“With the pace of change, you constantly have to disrupt yourselves,” Case said, offering Kodak as a cautionary example of a company that neglected to do so. Kodak’s engineers discovered digital photography, she explained, yet the company was too worried it would cannibalize its own film business, which at the time dominated 80 percent of the market. Instead, “others discovered the same thing, ate up their market share, digital totally overtook film, and they filed Chapter 11.” She urged entrepreneurs to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen to them, especially when they get pressure from their boards. “Too much board conversation is based on risk mitigation, not [asking], ‘What risks should we take?'”

This article was first published at Inc

6 Life Lessons We Can Learn from “Missed” Opportunities

Negative circumstances can spark the personal growth and success we deserve.

By Marina Khidekel

Missed opportunities often end up being the course corrections we need in our lives. Many of us have had disappointments — say, rejections from top-choice schools and “dream” jobs — turn out to be the best thing that could have happened in our careers.

Mollie West Duffy, co-author of the book No Hard Feelings, recently told The New York Times about how actively processing our feelings is the crucial first step to reframing negative feelings into positive action when things don’t work out the way we’d initially hoped.

Recalling the instance when was she rejected from her first-choice business school years ago, she told the publication, “I realized that in the process of not getting what I wanted, I had this deep self-reflection about what actually motivated me and what I wanted to do with the rest of my life,” she said. “Looking at the roles that I would’ve had if I had gone to business school, I don’t think I would’ve been happy in them.”

We asked members of the Thrive Global community to share the best lesson they learned from missing out on an opportunity they initially wanted.

A painful breakup can spark renewed love and career success

“My fiancé abruptly broke off our relationship right after we picked a wedding date. I was devastated. However, I moved to New York City, created a whole new career, and eventually met my best friend and husband. The breakup was painful at the time and made me feel very depressed. But that ‘missed’ opportunity led me to a much better life than I’d imagined I’d have.”

—Mim Senft, founder, CEO, Blooming Grove, NY

Listen to your body before you burn out

“My daily life doing senior crime scene investigation in London consisted of being stressed to illness, horrific scenes of the darkness of humanity, and trying to keep a team of 100 people motivated. So I jumped at the chance for a promotion as a way out — but I wish I’d listened to my gut then and resigned. I missed it or was too afraid. I was appointed to an impossibly huge management role, felt even more stressed, and eventually burned out. I knew deep inside that the organisation as a whole wasn’t feeding my soul and I needed creative freedom, space, and no rigid rules. My failure to listen to this cry from within caused me to crash and burn, but that’s what it took for me to quit, start living on my own terms, and create a business that gives joy to both myself and my clients. My body, heart and soul knew what it needed, I just needed to tune in and listen.”

—Lorna Reeves, founder, London, UK

Your destiny is tied to your intuition

“I’ve learned the hard way that my destiny is aligned with my intuition. Over-pursuing opportunities I’ve thought I wanted has resulted in disappointment. When I owned a small business, I was determined to lease a new space in a neighborhood where I was sure my business would thrive. Even when I caught the building owner in a lie and he tried to renegotiate a finalized agreement, I ignored my intuition and signed the lease. The location was a disaster. I’ve learned from this and other experiences that bad things result when I push past my better judgement in pursuit of a goal.”

—Matt Salis, writer, Denver, CO

Reaching out for help can help you redirect to your true purpose

“I remember working so hard to create an online summit — I had a big vision and wanted it to be perfect! I poured my heart and soul into the project, yet at almost every turn I was facing challenge after challenge. I felt absolutely defeated and exhausted. Right before my launch, I had my last five interviews cancel due to circumstances beyond our control and it felt like everything was working against me. I gave up and was about to throw in the towel in defeat when a close friend encouraged me to carry on and remember what I was working to accomplish. Through all the challenges, I’d lost my direction and forgotten what I was working towards. But in an effort to regroup and reach out for help, I spoke with an expert in my field and was able to connect with my purpose in a way that had previously escaped me.”

—Nicole Michalski, life strategist, speaker, and author, Alberta, Canada

Not fitting in can be a blessing in disguise

“As an immigrant, everything from my food choices to my accent made me feel like an outsider in the USA. But eventually after years in the United States, I slowly stopped fitting in back home. This feeling of inadequacy stuck with me throughout my childhood and early adulthood, leaving me feeling unstable and always out of place. After a plethora of sad and hilarious, failed attempts at trying to fit in, I surrendered to the fact that my happiness and sense of security was not dependent on belonging somewhere. Since then, my lack of belonging has become my secret power. I’ve created projects and organizations from the ground up with teams from every continent because I’m able to connect and collaborate with people from all walks of life. Since I don’t have a personal connection to a particular demographic, country, or culture, I’m more willing to meet people where they are, because I’m not attached to where I am.”

—Julie Santos, program strategist, Pala, California

Slow down so you can recognize a good thing

“On a hot southern day in July 1996, I met my future wife. Unfortunately, I was young and wishy-washy, she said, so we drifted apart. But we eventually found each other again many years later, and we’ve been happily married ever since. Here’s a lesson I learned from my youth: slow down and recognize a good thing when you see it — destiny doesn’t always ring twice.”

—Allen Barrett, business manager, Decatur, GA

This article was first published at Thrive Global

The One Word You Should Stop Saying to Boost Your Confidence and Success

By Rebecca Muller

I’m a chronic apologizer. I say sorry profusely — to co-workers, to strangers in the elevator — even to inanimate objects. (Yes, I’ve found myself apologizing to a chair I’ve bumped into, or the garbage bin I’ve knocked over.) Studies have shown that it’s human nature to use apologies as a defense mechanism when we fear social rejection. Research has also indicated that overdoing our apologies makes us seem more timid than we really are and diminishes what we’re trying to express.

But most of us don’t realize that over-apologizing could actually harm our self-confidence.

“Apologies have become our habitual way of communicating,” Maja Jovanovic, Ph.D., sociology professor at McMaster University and author of Hey Ladies, Stop Apologizing and Other Career Mistakes Women Make, recently shared in a TED Talk in Ontario, Canada. (Jovanovic and other experts believe over-apologizing is especially a problem for women, and Amy Schumer even devoted a comedy sketch to it in 2015.) While apologies can be important and powerful when used in the right moments, Jovanovic says, if used as a conversational buffer, they can make us feel less self-assured.

“If you’re beginning and ending your sentences with ‘I’m sorry,’ don’t be surprised if there’s nothing left of your confidence at the end of the day,” she adds. “You’ve given it away with every needless, useless apology.”

Here are three simple ways to stop your unnecessary apologies in their tracks:

Swap “sorry” for “thank you”

Jovanovic points out that we often turn to an apology when we’re running late, voicing our opinion, or when we feel like an imposition. While there’s a proper time and place for apologizing, she urges us to use “thank you” in the moments where an apology is simply not necessary. Reframing your apologies can make you feel and look more confident in what you’re saying, she says in her TED Talk. “Instead of saying, ‘Sorry for complaining’ or ‘Sorry for venting,’ you could just say, ‘Thank you for listening,’ ‘Thank you for being there’ or ‘Thank you for being my friend.’”

Vocalize your actions instead

We tend to say sorry when we don’t feel like our excuse is valid, but Jovanovic says vocalizing the excuse can allow us, and the person we’re talking to, to hear why the apology is unnecessary in the first place. For example, she says that we often apologize for answering a text or email late, but it’s okay to admit that you were busy with another task. “You don’t have to apologize,” she says. “Say, ‘I was working,’ ‘I was reading,’ ‘I was driving.’”

Make others aware of the habit

Jovanovic says she “collects sorry’s,” and finds it helpful to tell her family members and friends when they’re overdoing their apologies as well. “I’ll do it everywhere. I’ll do it in the parking lot, I’ll do it to total strangers at the grocery store, in line somewhere,” she says —and making others conscious of the habit can help open the conversation to those who are unaware. “One hundred percent of the time when I interrupt another woman and say, ‘Why did you just say ‘sorry’ for that?’” Jovanovic notes, “She’ll say to me, ‘I don’t know.’”

This article was first published at Thrive Global

2 Ideas That Could Immediately Improve Your Life

By Azugbene Solomon

Dave Asprey, founder of the Bulletproof Brand and New York Times bestselling author of multiple books, recently released his newest book, Game Changers: What Leaders, Innovators, and Mavericks Do to Win at Life.

It includes a lot of fascinating and useful ideas.

In this post, I’m going to highlight two you can immediately use.

1. Update your environment to change your personal evolution.
Asprey is known for being one of the world’s top biohackers. In the book, he provides the definition:

“That exactly meets the definition of biohacking: changing the environment around you so you have full control of your own biology.”

This quote reminded me of Marshall Goldsmith, who said:

“If we do not create and control our environment, our environment creates and controls us.”

Put simply, human beings are the product of their environment. Some environments are domesticated whereas others are more “natural.” Every environment has different rules and different possibilities for growth and development.

The environment you select determines to a great extent what you evolve into. That, actually, was the concept of Willpower Doesn’t Work, the book I published in 2018.

Here are some of Asprey’s specific recommendations:

  • Get some indoor plants. (Be sure to get organic plants without pesticide on them and control for mold growth in the soil. I use Homebiotic spray, which contains natural soil bacteria that combat indoor fungus.)
  • Go for a hike in nature every time you travel.
  • Let your kids play in the dirt. Better yet, join them.
  • Take a walk in nature once a week. Increase your return by adding community (bring friends!).
  • Eliminate antibacterial cleansers and bleach.
  • Bring potted plants (including dirt!) into your home to benefit from soil bacteria.

2. Gratitude rewires your brain.
According to Asprey, gratitude is stronger than fear. Here’s specifically what he says in Game Changers:

  • Overcoming fear that does not serve you is necessary to access your greatness. Courage works, but it takes a lot of energy to maintain. Save courage for when your life is actually on the line. The rest of the time, use gratitude to turn off fear at the cellular level. Freedom from fear leads to happiness, and happiness is what makes you perform your best at whatever you choose to do.

Throughout the final chapter of the book, Asprey explains with loads of science how gratitude not only rewires your brain but also completely resets your biology. That is biohacking at its finest.

Change your environment to enhance your biology.

Say three things you’re grateful for every night to rewire your brain and reset/upgrade your biology.

This article was first published at Inc

You Can’t Be Confident If You’re Avoiding Things

By Benjamin P. Hardy

How is your confidence doing right now?

Last week while at therapy, my wife told me she felt my confidence has been low lately. The reason, she thought, was because I still hadn’t completed my PhD, even though I am very close.

During that therapy session, Lauren told me to go up to Clemson and finish my degree. She’ll keep home-base taken care of, with the help of her supportive mom, while I’m away.

So I got a rental care and drove 8.5 hours from Orlando where we live up to Clemson, South Carolina. I’m here finishing something I’ve been avoiding for too long.

I’m grateful to have a wife who loves me enough to speak honestly to me and then gives me permission to do what I need to do.

CONFIDENCE, from a scientific perspective, is the byproduct of prior performance. In other words, confidence must be earned. Your confidence is the emotional evidence of what you’ve done and where you’re currently at.

Confidence, then, becomes your foundation.

Without confidence, your imagination is weakened. Having confidence allows you to think bigger about your life.

The more confidence you have, the more imagination and courage you can have. You need both imagination and courage to create a better life.

In order to have real confidence, you not only need to succeed at what you’re doing. You need to COMPLETE things (of course, some things should be dropped).

If you’ve been avoiding things in your life, then you can’t have confidence. Avoidance means you’re living in and dragging the past with you, wherever you go.

Confidence comes from being congruent with yourself. It also comes from completing hard things. As you become increasingly congruent with yourself, and as you complete big stuff, your confidence will soar. This will open your future up in amazing ways.

What are you avoiding?

What must you complete?

How can you become more congruent in your life?

This article was first published at Inc

You Can’t Be Confident If You’re Avoiding Things

By Benjamin P. Hardy

How is your confidence doing right now?

Last week while at therapy, my wife told me she felt my confidence has been low lately. The reason, she thought, was because I still hadn’t completed my PhD, even though I am very close.

During that therapy session, Lauren told me to go up to Clemson and finish my degree. She’ll keep home-base taken care of, with the help of her supportive mom, while I’m away.

So I got a rental care and drove 8.5 hours from Orlando where we live up to Clemson, South Carolina. I’m here finishing something I’ve been avoiding for too long.

I’m grateful to have a wife who loves me enough to speak honestly to me and then gives me permission to do what I need to do.

CONFIDENCE, from a scientific perspective, is the byproduct of prior performance. In other words, confidence must be earned. Your confidence is the emotional evidence of what you’ve done and where you’re currently at.

Confidence, then, becomes your foundation.

Without confidence, your imagination is weakened. Having confidence allows you to think bigger about your life.

The more confidence you have, the more imagination and courage you can have. You need both imagination and courage to create a better life.

In order to have real confidence, you not only need to succeed at what you’re doing. You need to COMPLETE things (of course, some things should be dropped).

If you’ve been avoiding things in your life, then you can’t have confidence. Avoidance means you’re living in and dragging the past with you, wherever you go.

Confidence comes from being congruent with yourself. It also comes from completing hard things. As you become increasingly congruent with yourself, and as you complete big stuff, your confidence will soar. This will open your future up in amazing ways.

What are you avoiding?

What must you complete?

How can you become more congruent in your life?

This article was first published at Inc

It’s Not How Good You Are, But How Good You Want To Be

Edited By Azugbene Solomon

“Your vision of where or who you want to be is the greatest asset you have. Without having a goal it’s difficult to score.”- Paul Arden

It’s not where you are right now, it’s where you want to go.

It’s where you plan to go.

Where are you going to go?

Can you see that vision?

Do you know what you want to master?

Can you see yourself, deep in the process? Loving the process? Totally absorbed in the process?

There are a million distractions in the world right now.

You could easily distract yourself from your dreams.

But you know how it feels when you’re in a state of avoidance. When you’re just passively passing the time.

That’s not where you want to be.

Be active.

Get focused.

Shut-out the noise.

99% youth is distracted right now. They don’t have a vision. They aren’t absorbed in the process. They aren’t pushing through powerful boundaries and going deeper and deeper into a flow.

This is a brilliant opportunity you have.

Choose, based on your values and perspectives, which makes the most sense to master.

Become the best version of yourself.

Get clearer and clearer on what is most essential to you.

Become more courageous and confident by blocking-out the non-essential.

Complete those things you’ve been procrastinating.

You’ve got this.

This article was first published at Inc

Are You In a Verbally Abusive Relationship? (And What to Do About It)


By Carol Morgan


“Shut up!!”“Don’t be so lazy!!”“What’s wrong with you?”

These types of phrases frequently come out of people’s mouths every day. So, is there really anything wrong with saying them? I mean, we have all said some of these things ourselves – or at very least had these thoughts.

But is it verbal abuse?

It depends.

You might think it’s obvious if you’re being a victim of a verbally abusive relationship. It may be to some people, but others may not recognize it.

For example, if you grew up with parents who talked to you (and each other) respectfully, then you will probably be able to spot verbal abuse a mile away. I’m like that. I don’t even like if someone slightly raises their voice to me. I will politely call them out on it and ask them to calm down.

However, if you grew up in a family where there was a lot of yelling, fighting, and screaming, then you might not be able to recognize verbal abuse when you see it.

Why would that be? It’s because that pattern of communication is “normal” to you. It’s your comfort zone. It’s what you grew up with, so it’s all you know.

But just because it’s familiar to you, that doesn’t make it right. Verbal abuse is NEVER justified in any situation.

Let’s start off by looking at some general characteristics of verbal abuse.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

  1. What is a verbal abuse?
  2. Examples of verbal abuse
  3. What you can do if you’re being verbally abused
  4. Final thoughts

What is a verbal abuse?

Verbal abuse can basically be described as any communication event that causes emotional damage to at least one person. If this pattern continues, it has the power to seriously damage the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth. They may even begin to believe that what the abuser says about them is true.

While verbal abuse is always hurtful, it’s not always overt – like angry outbursts. Sometimes it is covert such as making very subtle negative comments here and there.

Above all else, verbal abuse is meant to manipulate and control the victim.

Now that you know the definition of verbal abuse, let’s take a look at some examples so you can recognize it if it happens to you or someone else you know.

Examples of verbal abuse

Verbal abuse comes in many forms, and these are just a few examples.

1. “Teasing” and “joking”

This is one of the more covert tactics used by verbal abusers. It’s meant to confuse the victim.

For example, a man might call his wife his “big butterball” and say it with a smile on his face and a somewhat endearing tone – or perhaps even chuckling. What he’s really saying is that he thinks she’s fat. It’s a criticism disguised as a joke or teasing… but it’s not funny.

2. Trivializing

Let’s say you come home from work and tell the abuser that you had a bad day, and that your boss is being mean to you. They would tell you to get over it or call you a cry baby. They don’t take your feelings into account because they don’t find them important.

3. Diverting

Let’s say that you want to talk to someone about how to improve your relationship.

Normal people would sit and hear you out and respond appropriately. But a verbal abuser will divert the conversation to a topic that they want to talk about – not what you want to talk about. They are avoiding giving you the power to talk about what you want.

4. Judging and criticizing

If someone is always saying what you say or do is wrong, then that’s verbal abuse.

For example, maybe you just cleaned the whole house and you’re proud of yourself. An abuser would come home and find something you missed, like dusting or a spot on the floor. Or perhaps they criticize how you look or how you act. This is meant to tear down your self-esteem so they can control you.

5. Degrading

If you hear things like, “You should be grateful you found me, because you’re unlovable. No one would ever put up with your crap but me!” then that is degrading.

It’s making you think that you are lower than low – and that they are better than you.

6. Accusing

An abuser will accuse others of anything and everything. Maybe they are constantly suspecting you of cheating on them. Or that you told a lie. Or anything else for that matter.

They’re always finding ways to accuse other people of doing things that they might not even have done.

7. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a purposeful tactic that is done to manipulate and brainwash someone into doubting their own sanity. When this occurs over time, it affects their self-identity and perception.

For example, they might say things like, “Why are you making this up?” or “It’s all in your head” or “You never said that.” They make you question yourself so they can gain the power and the upper hand.

8. Name-calling

If you hear someone call you bad names such as “loser,” “lazy,” “sloppy,” or even the “b” or “c” word, then that’s not okay.

Even if someone is lazy, that doesn’t mean you have to call them lazy. Calling someone bad names is NEVER acceptable.

9. Disregards your opinions and ideas

When you share an idea or an opinion, a verbal abuser will just shoot it down and disregard it.

Even if it’s something like “Hey I’d like to go to McDonald’s for lunch because I’ve been craving a Big Mac.” An abuser would tell you all the reasons why you shouldn’t go there and have it. They’ll make your ideas seem ludicrous and make you second-guess yourself.

10. Swearing at you

Sure, most people use swear words. But normal people don’t make a habit out of slewing a ton of profanities your way on a regular basis.

If someone is constantly using swear words with you, especially when combined with anger, then that is verbal abuse.

11. Pointing out your flaws and mistakes constantly

Maybe they say you’re too fat, or too skinny, or too dumb or too… well, anything.

If someone is constantly pointing out what is wrong with you, or what mistakes you have made in your life, then that is verbal abuse.

We all have flaws and have made mistakes, but no one needs to point them out on a regular basis.

12. Threats

Threats can come in all shapes and forms. It could be a threat to harm or hurt you – or even kill you. Or it could be a threat that they might harm or hurt themselves in order to manipulate you.

Threatening some undesirable action is an attempt to guilt, manipulate, and scare you into behaving how they want you to behave.

13. Blaming

An abuser NEVER takes personal responsibility for anything. Instead, he or she places the blame on everyone and anyone other than themselves.

Even when it’s obvious that the abuser did something wrong, they will fight to the death to “prove” someone else it to blame, not themselves.

14. Ordering you around

Abusers need to have total control. Therefore, they typically are bossy and order their victims around.

They might limit how often you leave the house, or how many showers you can take per week. Or even something simple like what they want to have for dinner that night. If they are acting more like a parent to you, then this is verbal abuse.

What you can do if you’re being verbally abused

Your first instinct is probably to get the abuser to reason with you or to calm down. Unfortunately, this rarely works, so eventually you will have to stop trying to reason with them because they are just incapable of rational thought when they are abusing you.

Instead, you need to do the following things:

1. Call them out on their abusive behavior

For example, if they call you a “loser,” you need to respond with something like, “Calling me negative names is not helping this situation, so please stop. Besides I know I’m not a loser, so you can never convince me that I am.”

Here’s another example:

If you’re late getting home because of traffic, they might yell at you and call you names. In a situation like that, you should say, “Stop blaming me for something that I had no control over.”

Calling them out on their bad behavior takes away their power. Suddenly, they know you are on to them and recognize their manipulative tactics.

You see, verbal abusers like easy targets. So, if you just sit there and take the abuse, it will continue.

But if you tell them to stop, they won’t like it and will either have to try to change their behavior or go find someone else that they can verbally abuse – because you will no longer allow it.

2. Remove yourself from the situation

If you can leave, then leave. Go into your bedroom. Go for a drive. Go for a walk.

Just get out of the situation and tell them that you won’t talk to them until they can talk calmly and respectfully to you.

3. Remove yourself from the relationship if at all possible

If all else fails, you might have to do this.

You know it’s time to really let to and move on when you experience these 21 things.

I know that’s not possible with certain relationships (such as a parent/child scenario), but it is with some. Sometimes that’s the only thing left to do. And then get help.

Final thoughts

As Dr. Phil always says:

“We teach people how to treat us.”

In other words, what we allow from other people will continue. If we allow them to treat us with disrespect, they will continue to do so.

But if we only tolerate respectful and peaceful treatment, then you won’t settle for anything less.

It all starts with self-love. You have to love and respect yourself enough to now allow abuse from another person. Here you can learn what to do to love yourself.

So, take a good look in the mirror, and promise yourself that you are better than this. You deserve to be happy.

Featured photo credit: Aliyah Jamous via unsplash.com


This article was first published at Lifehack


What Is Self-Awareness? And 8 Ways to Become More Self Aware of Yourself


By Azugbene Solomon

President & CEO All Africa Youths Platform

Self-awareness is one of the key components of emotional intelligence (EI).

Daniel Goleman, the guru of emotional intelligence, identified self-awareness as being made up of emotional awareness, accurate self-assessment, and self-confidence. In other words, it is all about knowing your emotions, your personal strengths and weaknesses, and having a strong sense of your own worth.

People who lack self-awareness find living a truly happy and productive life difficult. This can be difficult to overcome, as many societies and cultures encourage us to ignore our feelings and emotions – ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’.

Examples of this include people who stay in jobs that they find unfulfilling or make them unhappy, or in relationships in which they are not comfortable.

Emotional Awareness

Emotional awareness is an ability to recognise your own emotions, and their effects. People who have this ability will:

  • Know what emotions they are feeling at any given time, and why;
  • Understand the links between their emotions and their thoughts and actions, including what they say;
  • Understand how their feelings will therefore affect their performance; and
  • Be guided in how they feel by their personal values.

Being aware of your own emotions, and how they affect your behaviour, is crucial to effective interaction with others. But it can also be crucial to your personal health and well-being.

Having self-awareness means that you have a sharp realization of your personality, including your strengths and weaknesses, your thoughts and beliefs, your emotions, and your motivations.

If you are self-aware, it is easier for you to understand other people and detect how they perceive you in return.

Many people assume that they have a healthy sense of self-awareness, but it is best to look at a relative scale to see where you fall on it compared to others. Being aware creates an opportunity to make changes in one’s behavior and beliefs.

While you develop self-awareness, your own personal thoughts and interpretations will begin to change. This change in mental state will also alter your emotions and increase your emotional intelligence, which is an important factor in achieving overall success.

Becoming self-aware is an early step in the creation of the life that you want. It helps you pinpoint what your passions and emotions are, and how your personality can help you in life.

You can recognize where your thoughts and emotions are leading you, and make any necessary changes. Once you are aware of your thoughts, words, emotions, and behavior, you will be able to make changes in the direction of your future.

The Importance of Self – Awareness?

Self awareness is important because when we have a better understanding of ourselves, we are able to experience ourselves as unique and separate individuals. We are then empowered to make changes and to build on our areas of strength as well as identify areas where we would like to make improvements. Self-awareness is often a first step to goal setting. Self-awareness is being conscious of what you’re good at while acknowledging what you still have yet to learn. This includes admitting when you don’t have the answer and owning up to mistakes.

In our highly competitive culture, this can seem counterintuitive. In fact, many of us operate on the belief that we must appear as though we know everything all the time or else people will question our abilities, and then perhaps judge us. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll admit that really the opposite is true. Because whether you acknowledge your weaknesses or not, everyone still sees them. So rather than conceal them, the person who tries to hide weaknesses actually highlights them, creating the perception of a lack of integrity and self-awareness.

Who originally came up with the idea of self-awareness?

Self-awareness was first theorized in 1972 by Duval and Wicklund in their book A Theory of Objective Self-Awareness. This book argues that if we focus our attention inwardly on ourselves, we tend to compare our behavior in the current moment to our general standards and values. This triggers a state of impartial self-awareness.

How does this concept/question relate to building positive habits?
Self-awareness is a vital first step in taking control of your life, creating what you want, and mastering your future. Where you choose to focus your energy, emotions, personality, and reactions determines where you will end up in life.

When you are self-aware, you can see where your thoughts and emotions are guiding you. It also allows you to take control of your actions so you can make the necessary changes to get the outcomes you desire.

This may include changes to your emotions, your behavior, or your personality. Until you achieve this, you will have a hard time making changes in the direction your life is taking you.

How can self-awareness be important in different fields?

Leadership

You can’t be an effective leader without being able to answer the “what is self-awareness?” question.

It provides the necessary base for having strong character, creating the ability to lead with purpose, trust, authenticity, and openness. Self-awareness explains our successes and our failures while giving us a clear understanding of who we are and what we need most from other people to have a successful team.

It also gives leaders the opportunity to identify any gaps that they might have in their management skills, and reveals the areas in which they are effective and where they might need additional work.

Knowing these things can help leaders make discerning decisions and increase their effectiveness in positively motivating their employees. Learning to be self-aware is not a simple process, but doing so can improve one’s leadership skills and lead to a more supportive business culture.

Social Work

As a social worker, having self-awareness is an important part of preparing to encounter clients in their specific situations. Much of the process of becoming an effective social worker is made up of becoming self-aware. This can happen with encounters with professors, classmates, and clients that work to continuously challenge us to be aware of our feelings. While this is not an easy thing to do, it is a worthwhile achievement.

Social workers have to be aware of their own biases when they are dealing with clients so they can make sure they are treating every client equally.

Counseling

Self-awareness interplays with the therapeutic process of counseling. When one is able to gain a greater understanding of themselves through the input of a therapist, it leads to self-discovery.

Counseling is a journey of self-discovery, as one observes their own thought patterns and how they affect their mood and behavior. Observing one’s own thoughts and feelings builds self-knowledge, and doing this with a counselor provides an objective opinion during the observation.

Education

Self-awareness plays a large role in education because it helps students become focused on what they need to learn. The ability of students to think about their thinking increases with age. When teachers work with students to teach them to reflect, monitor, and evaluate themselves, students are able to become more self-reliant, productive, and flexible.

Students improve their ability to weigh their choices and think about their options, especially when the correct answer is not obvious. When students have a hard time understanding a concept or idea, they use reflective strategies to acknowledge their difficulties and try to fix them. This also gives students tools to self-reflect and grow in their emotional and social lives.

Nursing

Self-awareness is used as a therapeutic tool for nurse-client relationships. A nurse who is self-aware can provide a therapeutic environment to care for their patient. Because of this, it is recommended that nursing schools should teach students about development and self-understanding.

It would also be beneficial for professional nurses to be able to get help and guidance to continue the growth process throughout their careers.

How to develop and increase self-awareness

1. Look at yourself objectively.

Trying to see yourself as you really are can be a very difficult process, but if you make the right efforts, getting to know your real self can be extremely rewarding. When you are able to see yourself objectively, you can learn how to accept yourself and find ways to improve yourself in the future.

So, what is an easy way to get started with this?

  • Try to identify your current understanding by writing out your perceptions. This may be things that you think you are good at doing, or that you need to improve.
  • Think about things you are proud of, or any accomplishments that really stand out throughout your life.
  • Think about your childhood and what made you happy back then. What has changed and what has remained the same? What are the reasons for the changes?
  • Encourage others to be honest with you about how they feel about you, and take what they say to heart.

In the end, you will come out with a fresh new perspective on yourself and your life.

2. Keep a journal.

You can write about anything in your journal, even if it is not related to your goals. Recording your thoughts on paper helps to relieve your mind of those ideas, and clears it up to make space for new information and ideas.

Take some time each night to write in your journal about your thoughts and feelings, and your successes and failures for the day. This will help you grow and move forward in your achievements.

As you self-reflect, take some time to think about how you are a leader, and how people working under you likely view you. Think about what you do to help other people, and if you could possibly do more. What are your values, and what is most important to you right now?

All of these self-reflection questions will help you get a better idea of who you are and what you want out of life right now.

3. Write down your goals, plans, and priorities.

Plan out your goals in a worksheet so they turn from ideas into a step-by-step process. Break down your larger goal into mini-goals so it seems less overwhelming, and tackle it head on.

4. Perform daily self-reflection.

In order to have self-awareness, you must do self-reflection. This requires setting aside some time, hopefully every day, to honestly look at yourself as a person and a leader. Committing to this practice can help you improve.

In our demanding business world, daily self-reflection is easier said than done. There is always pressure to do more with less, and an endless flow of information through our portable technology.

Because it takes time to self-reflect, start by setting aside just 15 minutes each day. Self-reflection is most effective when you use a journal and write down your thoughts. It’s also best to find a quiet place to think.

5. Practice meditation and other mindfulness habits.

Meditation is the practice of improving your mindful awareness. Most types of meditation focus on the breath, but not all meditation has to be formal. You can also find greater clarity from regular moments of reflection.

During your meditations, you may stop to think about some specific questions.

  • What is your goal?
  • What are you doing that is working?
  • What are you doing that is acting as a hindrance to your success?
  • How can you change your process to improve it?

One of the most frequent forms of meditation you may practice comes from carrying out everyday tasks that give you a sense of therapeutic serenity, such as washing dishes, going for a run, and going to church.

6. Take personality and psychometric tests.

Take these personality and psychometric tests to help understand what traits you have. Some popular tests that are aimed at increasing self-awareness include the Myers-Briggs test and the Predictive Index.

There are no right or wrong answers to these tests. Instead, they compel respondents to think about a set of traits or characteristics that closely describe them relative to other people.

7. Ask trusted friends to describe you.

How are we supposed to know what other people think of us? We have to listen to the feedback of our peers and mentors, and let them play the role of an honest mirror. Tell your friends when you are looking for open, honest, critical, and objective perspectives. Allow your friends to feel safe while they are giving you an informal yet honest view.

Make sure your friends know that they are doing this to help you, not to hurt you. Also, feel free to ask questions of your friends about topics they bring up if you feel like you need some more clarity to completely understand.

You can also ask friends to bring it to your attention when you are doing something that you know you want to change. For example, if you know you tend to “one-up” people when they are telling stories, have your friends discreetly let you know that is happening so you can learn to stop.

8. Ask for feedback at work.

In addition to consulting friends and family, use a more formal process at work to get some feedback. If your company does not provide a structured way to do this, try to implement one. Provided it is constructive and well done, having an option for formalized feedback allows us to self-reflect on our own strengths and weaknesses.

To have an effective formal feedback system at work, you need a proper process and an effective manager. Once the feedback process is finished, it is important to reflect on it by writing down your main takeaways. Write down any surprising strengths and weaknesses that you did not realize you had before.

It will take quite some time to increase your self-awareness and get to know yourself better. It can even take years and input from many people around you. Building the necessary habits to help you become more self-aware can positively impact other aspects of your life, especially your interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships.

In Conclusion

Self-awareness is a crucial part of emotional intelligence.

It is no accident that Daniel Goleman, the author of the book Emotional Intelligence, identified it as the first of the five competences that make up emotional intelligence.

Without awareness and understanding of ourselves, and a sense of self rooted in our own values, it is hard, if not impossible, to be aware of and respond to the emotions of others.


Featured photo credit: Develop Good Habits


Reference

1. Develop Good Habits
2. Skills You Need
3. Warwick